In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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