I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
