i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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