he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
