Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
