I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
