So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
