Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
