i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I understand Curling. That high.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
