Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
