Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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