How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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