Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
