Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
