They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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