Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
