I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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