Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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