i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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