Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
