I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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