Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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