he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
