NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
