Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
