drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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