In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
