Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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