God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I love having hate sex.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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