sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
