We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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