she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
