Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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