I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
