Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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