So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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