Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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