I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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