yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
