if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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