I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
