my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
