Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
