I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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