I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
