my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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