new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
