So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
