I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
