So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
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Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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