I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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