I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
