I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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